I’m fat.

Standard

Ok..let’s get this out of the way.  I know I have not blogged in what seems like forever.

But I’m back bitches!

I’ve missed my blog.  And I know all of my (one) readers have missed me too.

So let’s get on with the madness!

So, like the title says, I’m fat.

And not the P.H.A.T  fat that I’d like to be…nope, I’m really really fat.

How do I know this you ask?

I mean, besides the way the scale at my doctor’s office verbally protested and begged for mercy when I stepped on it…

And the way I asked about a bazillionty times “are you sure this thing isn’t broken? I am certain that isn’t even a number”

Or how when I look down I can feel my chins on my chest.

Well…if all of that wasn’t a clue..I had an epiphany last night.

I crawled into bed as usual, booted up the kindle and read a chapter or two of  Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and drifted off to sleep.

Only to be awakened within the hour by a creeping sensation…that would be my “I’m- feeling- fat- and- bloated- today- granny- panties” creeping into unmentionable places…

I shrugged it off and adjusted and drifted back to dreamland…only to be awakened again by this sinking feeling.

The feeling of said panties rolling down…under my fat.

Oh my.

For a fleeting second, I considered just taking them off.  But I didn’t want to send the wrong message to the hubby.  I hate false advertising.

So I decided to get up and see if I could find something more comfortable to sleep in…

Flannel pants?  Nope…too warm.

Brian’s boxers?  Nope…that’s just wrong. (almost as wrong as me telling you about my fatrolls and panties)

My last and only pair of “lovepats” undies?

What!

You don’t know what lovepats are???!!!!

Well let me show you

(stop making that face…it isn’t a picture of my lovepats)

They are the ultimate in fatty undies.

Stretchy and  non-rolling.

Unfortunately…mine were nowhere to be found at three A.M.

Which left me no choice but to ponder why I am up at three in the  morning looking for fat underwear.

Which led me to the conclusion that I am fat.

Which my doctor’s scale tried to tell me last week.

Which begs the question….does anyone know where I can get some lovepats?

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