Faith is a concept that I have had a long struggle to understand.
I mean, I know what faith means.
I can understand the meaning of the word. I can comprehend what the dictionary says it means.
But I have never had an opportunity in my life, where I have been required to have faith.
Don’t get me wrong…I’ve seen hard times when I’ve had to have faith in people or things…but I have never had to put every ounce of faith I have into God.
I have never had to completely relinquish control over all of the factors of a situation and just have faith that I am doing what God is calling me to do.
But that is exactly what I find I am having to do right now.
In this moment.
I am being forced to have faith.
As most of you know, my grandmother has Alzheimer’s disease.
And, of course, it is getting worse every day.
But few of you know that I made a promise to her.
See, my grandmother…though she has faults…has always been my hero.
She has always been a rock for me to cling to when the seas of life were raging.
She has always been the voice pushing me to succeed.
She has always tried to be an example to me.
She has always been there to help me pursue any dream I might have been dreaming.
And when my dreams and hopes and plans were dashed with a single, stupid, irresponsible act…she was there to help me find my feet and make something of myself.
See, I was once a single, unwed mother…looking for a way in the world. And I had tons of support from my family, but my granny was the one who was there to help me out in one of the most important ways anyone could.
She sent me to school…
She paid for me to go to school and get a trade.
And I did…I got my CNA/HHA certification and spent the better part of three years caring for Alzheimer’s and dementia patients.
Coincidence? I think not.
At any rate…I could find no way to thank her for all she did for me. So, one day, during a conversation..I made her a promise:
I promised that I would take care of her.
And I meant it.
And now, here I sit, many years later.
I find the time has come where I have a choice….
Do I keep my promise? Or do I turn away?
For quite a while, i did turn away.
Maybe not in a big way…but I did turn away.
But lately, I have been struggling with myself, and with God.
There is this little, nagging, voice in the back of my mind that says “you made a promise…don’t forget that.”
And I have not forgotten.
So, a few weeks ago, some events took place that made it impossible for me to ignore that little voice any longer.
And I started to ask God: “What do I do here? I can see that you are asking me to keep my promise and bring her here…but Lord, I am scared.”
And God has consistently answered me with “It will be ok…just keep your promise.”
I’ve never had much faith in myself.
I’ve never really believed that I was capable of handling any situation that took total faith.
But I have decided to have faith. I have decided that I will do what God tells me to and keep my promise.
So, after Labor day, I am flying to Kansas to get my Grandma and bring her here to stay with us.
I am not sure if she will stay forever, for a week, for a month, or for a year…but I am going to do what I can do to keep my promise to her.
(there is much more to this than I have time to divulge here on my blog…it’s very complex…)
But, as usual, when I am struggling…God answers me.
He has reminded me that I am knowledgeable and have the training to handle this.
He has reminded me that he blessed me with an extra bedroom in my home.
He had blessed me with a husband who understands the promise I made and is ready to help me keep it.
He has blessed me with the ability to stay at home with granny and still be able to get by.
But even with all of these things weighing on me…I still had my doubts.
They weren’t doubts in God…they were doubts in myself.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have the self esteem of a gnat.
And I do have a very negative internal dialog with myself.
I don’t know why…I just do.
But just when I felt that negativity creep up and start to make me doubt…God answered.
See…he’s really good about connecting to us with whatever will make us sit up and take notice.
For me..it’s my radio.
(I know, you think I’m nuts now….but just go with it.)
Today, I was talking to Clayton in the van about Granny coming. And there was a lull in the conversation..and I was feeling the doubt and panic creep up.
Then, one of my favorite songs came on the radio…and Clayton started singing…and I was listening…but I really heard the words to the song….and it all made sense:
The Voice of Truth
There I sat…listening to my son sing…knowing that I finally knew what to do!
I would have faith.
I would have faith that I am capable of doing this.
That with God, anything is possible.
I will listen to Him when He says “do not be afraid”
I will do this to glorify Him.
I will trust that everything will work out according to His plan.
I will leap, blindly forward..full of faith.