I’m trying.

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I really am.

I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit.

Trying really hard.

Hopefully all of these sad feelings I have will lessen soon and I can at least go to church without crying like a baby.

We went to church yesterday, just like every other Sunday.

But you know that God always has ways of speaking to you, even if you don’t want to hear Him.

So into church we go. I was all ready to hear some encouragement from my pastor. Ready to feel better. Ready to stop crying.

Turns out God didn’t think I had cried nearly enough I guess.

They start out the music and we all stand to sing.

I was doing ok…until.

They start singing one of my very favorite songs evah…..

By one of my very favorite groups evah…..

It is called “Who am I” by casting crowns.

Here are the lyrics:

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You’re

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You’ve told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
‘Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

And if you would like, you can listen to it too…

Well, I lost it during that song. But it also made me realize that even though I, and everyone else who knew my Uncle are hurting…and will be for a very long time…I can take refuge in my Lord.

I cannot pretend to know why His plan included taking Mike home at such an early time in his life and the lives of his children.

I may never understand why he was struck down by Cancer.

I will probably always be a little bit angry about it all.

And I know that I will miss him no matter what.

But I have learned that I need to trust that God’s plan is far more important than my pain and that in time, I am sure that some sense will be made of this.

I don’t know when that will be.

Even my darling husband, who has been my rock lately, didn’t have an answer for me when I asked when the hurting would stop…and he has been where I am.

So I don’t know…I have unanswered questions. And this is where the faith comes in.

I trust the Lord to take care of it all. To help me understand.

And in the coming days and months, I trust him to help me handle any other trials that may come my way as a result of losing Mike.

And now, I must look ahead to Christmas.

And that is hard to do…it is hard to be jolly.

But I’m going to give it a try!

So I am in a quandry…what do I get my father-in-law for Christmas????

Please leave your suggestions in the comment box on your way out…thank you.

And why do my kids have to be so hard to buy for???

UGH.

I did manage to get a tree up…that counts for something right?

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