Searching for solutions

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Man what a day.
I am so glad that almost all of the kids are in bed.
(Ricky is currently hosting a race at the dining room table national speedway)

It’s cute.
There is a garage and pits and everything.

And I am searching. Actually researching. Looking for counselors for us.
I guess we need one. I know that Clayton does.
Things with him have only gotten worse since we introduced this new medication.
He is getting agressive.
He is getting violent.
He is getting scary.
He is hurting himself.

He got mad at me on tuesday and decided to hit himself in the head over and over again with his binder.
I am so scared for him.

Part of me wants to stop the meds NOW. And I probably will. And I will be lectured. I will be told how silly it is not to medicate him.
How meds are the best option for him.

Tell me how? How am I supposed to believe that meds are the best thing for my child when he hurts himself when he’s on them???

I called a crisis center this week too. Trying to find some help for us. They couldn’t help us because he’s 12.

I feel like no one wants to help him…except Brian and I. Everyone wants to dope him up and cover the issues and problems and pretend, so long as the meds subdue him enough, that everything is ok with him.
I know it’s not though.
I’m his mom and I know these things.

And if their solution isn’t the meds….it’s that we are bad parents.
But we aren’t.
We love our children.
We live for them.
Everything we do is for them.

So I am searching. I am looking for solutions.

And I am angry. Why does this child have to deal with this??? Why does he have to feel the things he is feeling? It is so unfair.
I wish I could pinpoint what it is that made this happen to him and go back in time and fix it.
I wish I could take away his pain and fear and rage and confusion.
I wish I could make him see how much we love him.
He doesn’t see that.

I know that I am at fault too. I have said things to him that no mother should ever say to their child.
And Brian has done it as well.

I cannot make excuses for that…we are wrong. But we are so tired. Sometimes my soul is so weary from fighting…some days I just feel like I cannot take anymore.
I know that some will judge me and think me a horrible person for feeling that way about my child. But let me tell you…until you live with a child who has ADHD…you simply cannot know.
You cannot know how it feels to be continually seen as a “bad mom” by teachers and school officials.
You cannot know the embarrasment of being asked not to bring your child back to an activity.
You cannot know the disappointment when you get yet another call from the school telling you how “bad” your child is.
Especially when you know you have given everything you have to help that child.
I have cried.
I have screamed.
I have prayed.
and I have, on occasion, given up.

But I won’t ever give up totally. He is a beautiful person…I know he is. And he has so much potential.
And he is not a “lost cause”
I just do not know what to do.
I do not know where to turn for help for him.

so I am searching.
And I will keep on searching until I have found a solution.

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