I am not the biggest loser


But I sure wish I were!! I watched this show from beginning to end this season. Tonight was the finale. This is the first time I’ve been depressed in a long time. I just don’t get it. I know I’m overweight. I know I’m not healthy. I know I’m unattractive. Why in the world am I ok with that??? Why am I content to weigh 200 pounds? Why am I content to shop in the womens department? Why am I ok with getting winded just by doing a load of laundry? Why is it ok with me to not have the energy to play with my kids or ride my horses? What has happened in my brain that I am able to convince myself that I am happy being fat? What makes me see myself in the mirror and be able to say “you look good!”? I have people around me who have turned that corner and have been able to lose the weight and be healthy. I wonder if I’m afraid? I see people who have been fat and lose the weight, and they turn into the “skinny people” that I hate. They are condesending, judgmental, boastful, and conceited. I don’t want to be those things. Maybe I’m afraid that I will if I lose the weight. That has to be the answer. I do not like being heavy. It’s embarrassing when I can’t find anything stylish to wear because all of the “women’s” clothing is very unflattering. It’s embarrassing when I wave and my arms jiggle. It disgusts me when I run, I can’t even describe the feeling of my body lurching along and jiggling everywhere. I hate that I can’t even bring myself to look in the mirror after a shower. I hate that I can’t leave the lights on when I am with my husband. I hate that I am setting a poor example for my beautiful daughter. Everyone talks about that “lightbulb” moment. That moment when something clicked within them that gave them the energy, drive, fortitude, to make the changes in their lives. I thought I had my lightbulb moment last year, but I guess that did not happen. I know that I cannot just sit back and wait for it to hit me between the eyes. I have to seek it out. I have to want it. But why don’t I want it?
It’s not as though I have not tried. I followed the weight watchers program for over a year. I was within 30 pounds of my goal weight…then for some reason I quit. I told everyone it was because I didn’t have a car to get to meetings. But that wasn’t it. I lost the drive. I lost sight of my goal. Why did that happen??? I asked the other day..”why can’t I eat the foods I want to without having to feel guilt every time” Well…it’s not the foods I eat that are the problem, it’s me. I seem to have this inability to convince myself that I am worth it. I make excuses. My sister in law sent me a free two week membership to a local gym. I did go to the orientation. I wanted to join. But I justified not joining with the “I can’t afford it” and the ” it’s too far to drive in the winter”. These are both valid reasons not to sign up….but why did I use those excuses to come home and eat two pieces of cake??”
I tell myself silly things like “if only I had a treadmill I could work out more” knowing full well it would only be a matter of weeks before it became an expensive clothes horse in my bedroom.
I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t really know where to begin to fix my inner self so that I can fix my outer self. But I do know that it needs to happen. Hopefully soon I can find my way to that place where I’ll know what to do, where I’ll find that drive, where I’ll see that “light” go on.


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