well..what now???

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The doctor’s office called me today. They said all of my bloodwork is normal. Now normally that would be a relief, but today it wasn’t. Now I’m even more confused. Evidentally there is no physical reason for me to be feeling the way I do. I just don’t get it. There has GOT to be something going on, this can’t all be in my head. I am still going in for my follow up appointment on monday…yet another $20.00 co-pay for them to tell me there is nothing wrong. I guess the doctor wants to talk to me about anti-depressants. That just depresses me LOL. I feel like I have no control anymore…and I don’t want to be labeled as “nuts”. Does that make any sense??? And ya know, I have TRIED to fix this myself. I have TRIED to force myself to get up out of my funk. I have TRIED to look at things optimistically. It just doesn’t work. I feel more frightened knowing that my tests were normal than I did at the prospect of having a messed up thyroid. At least then there would have been a REASON for me to be going through this. Now there are only more questions. And even more guilt. I feel guilty that my husband and children don’t have a mom who cleans and cooks on a regular basis. I feel guilty that I don’t have the energy to play with my children. I feel guilty that I don’t want to be intimate with my husband. I just don’t want to do anything anymore but sleep. I hate it. I think that’s the worst part…I hate that it’s happening, but for the life of me I can’t change it. So much for the illusion of control LOL!!!!!
So Monday I should know if I’m nuts or not :: snicker :: and I’ll probably be prescribed some “happy pills”….grrrrrr, that just sticks in my craw…I don’t want to be that way!!!!!
I did have a wonderful morning though!!! I went to a “love and logic” parenting class that the elementary school is offering. I was really inspired with what the instructor and information was telling me and I’m excited to implement what I learned with the kids. Don’t get me wrong..my kids aren’t awful, they are just a product of my parenting skills..and I can only improve by taking this class. It was also nice to talk with some other parents and hear that I’m not the only one struggling with this job that is parenting. And it was nice to hear that I am doing some things right!!!! (evidentally…my kids have wonderful manners and are quite sweet!)
The weather just keeps getting colder and colder up here in the beautiful inland northwest!! Fall is officially upon us, leaves are falling and pumpkins are for sale at every local grocery store!!! I just love this time of year!!!!
I hope I can get some good shots of the kids soon…maybe even con Clayton into taking some of Brian and I…I have come to realize that we have very few pictures of the two of us together..that’s something that needs to change!
I got my layouts done for this round of the RMH DT contest. I can’t say I’m satisfied with the first one..but the second one seemed to jump from my brain to my desk without me even noticing…my hands just did the work on autopilot. And the journaling turned into a poem of sorts…and Brian LOVED it. That’s all I can say without giving away which layout is mine..and they want us to keep it on the down low LOL. I do know one thing is for sure..if I don’t make the cut this round..I have a layout here that I will forever cherish!!!!! And I can’t say that many of them I do pull at my heartstrings like that. This one, at least in my eyes, is a masterpiece. It personifies what I want to acomplish with my scrapbooking…I want my children to know that my heart is full of love for them and their dad.
Well..I must close for now…dinner needs to be cooked and homework needs to be completed. Then of course there is the monumental task of housework..ugh!!! Hope everyone is having a blessed week!!!

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One response »

  1. christi..hun.. I still love your crazy self..hehe I know exactly what you’re going through. Nothing seemed to work and I just fade in and out of that slump.. so IF you get “fixed” lemme know what worked!! =)
    I’m going to spy your work over at RMH.. I’m confident I can pick it out!!!

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