It is very quiet in my house right now.
The kids are at school, the t.v. is off, Brian is sleeping and I still have nearly an hour until I have to be to work.
The only sounds to be heard are the snoring of the dog, the keys clicking on my keyboard as I type this and the pounding of my heart.
I found out today that my cousin, Darin, was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. They are optimistic that it was isolated to that area and are hopeful that it did not spread anywhere else.
But he is only 36.
And if you are keeping score..let me share the score card with you when it comes to my family and cancer…
My Grandfather lost his life to it.
My wonderful-fantastic-funny-awesome uncle Mike lost his life to it.
An aunt suffered with breast cancer (and is cancer free..praise God!)
My Uncle has been fighting minor skin cancers for years.
My other cousin (Darin’s sister) fought cancer and won and has been cancer free for years now (praise God!)
I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that I am waiting for the other shoe to fall and I am terrified that it will be me.
I don’t often admit my deepest, darkest secrets here on my blog. I like to maintain the illusion of being a happy, healthy, often cynical, run of the mill american woman.
But I am scared.
I am scared of cancer.
I lie awake at night and wonder if that twinge in my back is from a tumor. I worry that every headache is a brain tumor. I worry that every stomach cramp is from a growth. I am scared to go get a check-up because I just know that they will find something..and that something will be cancer.
Now, let’s be clear…I am not afraid of the treatments. I am not afraid of pain. I am not afraid to suffer. I do not fear baldness.
I simply do not know that I could bear watching my Husband and children see me go through it.
And so I fear cancer.
And while many have said that I am being silly, I have to wonder…am I really?
This disease is so prolific in my family that the reality is that I very well may lose my life to it one day.
I think I am justified in my fear.
However…there is something that keeps me from completely losing my mind whenever that little twinge of fear enters my mind…
God is there.
Funny enough, I was sitting here working on a bible study for my small group today and the scripture says:
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “for your sake we are kiled every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
Romans 8: 35-37 NLT
I think it is easy to be consumed with fear. I think it is easy to forget that we have a loving God who will comfort us in our times of tribulation.
I think it is hard to “Be still and know that I am God.”
But that is what I am trying to do.
Sitting here in my quiet place, listening to my dog snore, praying for my cousin and the rest of my family…and every other person who’s life has been touched by cancer.
I am going to be still and know that He is God.
I am going to find comfort in Him despite all of my worries.
I am also going to pray for a cure for cancer. And it is my hope that you will as well.
Pray for Darin, pray for a cure, pray that not one more soul loses his or her life to this horrible disease.
And above all else…be still and know…