Old Shoes

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Have you ever been digging around in the back of your closet, looking for something long lost in the corner and happened upon an old pair of shoes?

Not just any pair of shoes…your favorite pair of shoes. 

You pull them out, quickly forgetting what you were looking for to begin with, and slide your favorite pair of shoes onto your feet…and your feet just sigh.

That is sort of how I felt tonight when I happened upon my old blog.  It’s been forever since I posted here.  Somehow life just got so busy that I had to stop writing about it.

I think I’m going to try to change that…I miss this outlet.

I realize that I am most likely the only person on the planet who will read this, but I also realize that my kids will read it someday.  And if that is my only audience I will have done what I set out to do.

So what has changed since I last posted here?  Tons.

I live in a new place.

I’m looking down the barrel of one of my children being an “adult” and one being a teenager.

My brother has come to live with me.

My church and my God have become central in my life.

I’ve made new friends.

I’ve gained new pounds.

I’ve gotten a haircut.

I’ve gotten older.

I’ve lost some pounds.

I’ve navigated IEP’s and 504’s and have come out the other end relatively unscathed.

I’ve gained back the lost pounds.

I’ve found a new appreciation for the bee gee’s and Abba.

And most of all, I’ve lived.

So, now that I have my old shoes back on…I’m going to do my best to keep them on and do this more often.

But right now, I have a full cup of diet coke and Xanadu is on Netflix.

Time to get my Olivia Newton-John on.

Peace!

I’m fat.

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Ok..let’s get this out of the way.  I know I have not blogged in what seems like forever.

But I’m back bitches!

I’ve missed my blog.  And I know all of my (one) readers have missed me too.

So let’s get on with the madness!

So, like the title says, I’m fat.

And not the P.H.A.T  fat that I’d like to be…nope, I’m really really fat.

How do I know this you ask?

I mean, besides the way the scale at my doctor’s office verbally protested and begged for mercy when I stepped on it…

And the way I asked about a bazillionty times “are you sure this thing isn’t broken? I am certain that isn’t even a number”

Or how when I look down I can feel my chins on my chest.

Well…if all of that wasn’t a clue..I had an epiphany last night.

I crawled into bed as usual, booted up the kindle and read a chapter or two of  Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and drifted off to sleep.

Only to be awakened within the hour by a creeping sensation…that would be my “I’m- feeling- fat- and- bloated- today- granny- panties” creeping into unmentionable places…

I shrugged it off and adjusted and drifted back to dreamland…only to be awakened again by this sinking feeling.

The feeling of said panties rolling down…under my fat.

Oh my.

For a fleeting second, I considered just taking them off.  But I didn’t want to send the wrong message to the hubby.  I hate false advertising.

So I decided to get up and see if I could find something more comfortable to sleep in…

Flannel pants?  Nope…too warm.

Brian’s boxers?  Nope…that’s just wrong. (almost as wrong as me telling you about my fatrolls and panties)

My last and only pair of “lovepats” undies?

What!

You don’t know what lovepats are???!!!!

Well let me show you

(stop making that face…it isn’t a picture of my lovepats)

They are the ultimate in fatty undies.

Stretchy and  non-rolling.

Unfortunately…mine were nowhere to be found at three A.M.

Which left me no choice but to ponder why I am up at three in the  morning looking for fat underwear.

Which led me to the conclusion that I am fat.

Which my doctor’s scale tried to tell me last week.

Which begs the question….does anyone know where I can get some lovepats?

I don’t get to write it anymore…

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Being a parent is hard.

Everyone knows it is one of the hardest jobs a person will ever have.

And it seems to me that the older they get, the harder the job gets.

At least that is what I have been feeling lately, lately my teenager has been making some choices that I rather wish he hadn’t made.

Now, I will say that in the grand scheme of things, the issues we are dealing with are quite minor…it could be so very much worse.

But I can’t help but feel a little panic.

I was driving today, thinking about how to talk to him…and for whatever reason, his baby book popped into my head.

I remember writing in his baby book.

I recorded his name, birth weight, length, first smile, first time he rolled over, the first time he cooed at me, the first time he sat up alone…

I recorded every tooth, every word, every step…

and then one day I stopped recording everything.

I would write in his book occasionally…but he was living and growing far faster than I could write.

And today, I realized that I am no longer in charge of writing his story.

I am merely holding the pencil in his hand, helping him form the letters…he is deciding what words to write.

As a parent, that is a hard realization to make.

I still feel the need to write his story for him.

I want the story to make sense…I want the story to be honest…I want the story to glorify the Lord.

But I don’t get to choose those things.

I can only edit the story so much now.

And though I still have much control…I have lost a significant amount of that control.

All I can do now is hope.  And pray.  And guide.

And I know that someday I will look at his story and feel pride and accomplishment, knowing that I did help write it…but for now, I have to hand over the pen now and then, and hope that if a mistake is made, it is caught and corrected before the story goes to print.

Because I don’t get to write it anymore…

Sometimes I miss these things…

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Every now and then I will be reading things here on the world wide web that jog a memory for me.

Then I tend to be melancholy for a while.

Today, I was catching up on the blog of my bestest- friend- in- the- whole- world- who- I- have- never- met- in- real- life- but- am- convinced- was- separated- from- me- at- birth- and- is- really- my- twin- sistah- Jaime.  (Here is her blog…go read it..she is awesome)

And I was looking at a layout she has recently done about her girls giggling all night when they were camping, and it made me a little sad.

So I have been thinking about things I miss.

It is funny how we move from season to season in our lives and the things that used to seem so important, so ingrained in us, seem to slip away.

They are replaced with other important things or are often put aside in the interest of growing up.

I miss:

  • Slumber parties with my best friend when we would call in requests to Magic 95 in lawton and flirt with the DJ’s.
  • Walking down the streets at night in the summer, barefoot.
  • Laying around on Saturday mornings watching cartoons, and not doing anything else.
  • Telephone calls from my Grandma.  Just to ask how I am doing.
  • Galloping full speed across an open field under the hot Texas sun, with no thought of what might happen should I fall.
  • Parking on a back country road to “make out”, knowing there was no expectation that it would go any further than a few kisses.
  • Spending the holidays with my family…all of us together and loving each other despite our differences.
  • Collecting garbage pail kids.
  • Hauling to Play-days and spending the entire weekend with my horse friends.
  • Harvesting my back yard garden. And watching my kids get excited to eat our harvest.
  • Spending my summer days in the pool at the NCO club.
  • Riding my dirt bike and it being ok that I had a “boys” bike.
  • Taking Hoover for walks.
  • Playing barbies for daaaaaaays.
  • Laying on my bed, listening to music and reading teen magazine.
  • Fitting into a size 12 and thinking that I was fat.  ( I wish me then could see me now!)
  • My Circle Y, connie combs barrel racer.
  • The smell of the school barn after I put new shavings in all of the stalls.
  • Hanging at the mall and buying silly, neon colored earrings at Claire’s (yes..they had Claire’s then)
  • My 1979 Ford F-150 that Mike gave me.
  • The smell of the sheets on the beds at my Grandma’s house…they smelled like laundry soap and love.
  • Spending hours working on scrapbook pages.
  • Simon licking my chin when I was trying to do my homework.
  • The arena at Jack Stucky’s barn and riding across the creek.

And there are so, so many more…it would take hours to list them all!

I know that every season in my life will bring me things I love and that someday I will miss.

I know this list will change.

And maybe tomorrow I will stop for a minute and just take in everything around me, to firmly plant in my memory this moment in my life as it is…right now.

Because I know that someday I am going to miss tomorrow too.

What is on your list?

Be still and know…

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It is very quiet in my house right now.

The kids are at school, the t.v. is off, Brian is sleeping and I still have nearly an hour until I have to be to work.

The only sounds to be heard are the snoring of the dog, the keys clicking on my keyboard as I type this and the pounding of my heart.

I found out today that my cousin, Darin, was just diagnosed with testicular cancer.  They are optimistic that it was isolated to that area and are hopeful that it did not spread anywhere else.

But he is only 36.

And if you are keeping score..let me share the score card with you when it comes to my family and cancer…

My Grandfather lost his life to it.

My wonderful-fantastic-funny-awesome uncle Mike lost his life to it.

An aunt suffered with breast cancer (and is cancer free..praise God!)

My Uncle has been fighting minor skin cancers for years.

My other cousin (Darin’s sister) fought cancer and won and has been cancer free for years now (praise God!)

I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that I am waiting for the other shoe to fall and I am terrified that it will be me.

I don’t often admit my deepest, darkest secrets here on my blog.   I like to maintain the illusion of being a happy, healthy, often cynical, run of the mill american woman.

But I am scared.

I am scared of cancer.

I lie awake at night and wonder if that twinge in my back is from a tumor.   I worry that every headache is a brain tumor.  I worry that every stomach cramp is from a growth.  I am scared to go get a check-up because I just know that they will find something..and that something will be cancer.

Now, let’s be clear…I am not afraid of the treatments.  I am not afraid of pain.  I am not afraid to suffer.  I do not fear baldness.

I simply do not know that I could bear watching my Husband and children see me go through it.

And so I fear cancer.

And while many have said that I am being silly, I have to wonder…am I really?

This disease is so prolific in my family that the reality is that I very well may lose my life to it one day.

I think I am justified in my fear.

However…there is something that keeps me from completely losing my mind whenever that little twinge of fear enters my mind…

God is there.

Funny enough, I was sitting here working on a bible study for my small group today and the scripture says:

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “for your sake we are kiled every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

Romans 8: 35-37  NLT

I think it is easy to be consumed with fear.  I think it is easy to forget that we have a loving God who will comfort us in our times of tribulation.

I think it is hard to “Be still and know that I am God.”

But that is what I am trying to do.

Sitting here in my quiet place, listening to my dog snore, praying for my cousin and the rest of my family…and every other person who’s life has been touched by cancer.

I am going to be still and know that He is God.

I am going to find comfort in Him despite all of my worries.

I am also going to pray for a cure for cancer.  And it is my hope that you will as well.

Pray for Darin, pray for a cure, pray that not one more soul loses his or her life to this horrible disease.

And above all else…be still and know…



Happy Friday, Happy Birthday.

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You read it right.  It’s my birthday.

I have spent my life being overshadowed by the king of rock and roll.

I just love sharing my birthday with Elvis-the-pelvis-Presley….it makes me feel so…so….overshadowed.

And it makes me want to wiggle my hips and say “uh-huh” to everyone who wishes me a happy birthday.

It’s awesome.

So, you may be asking what I plan to do on this wonderful day where I am forced to recognize that I am now firmly planted in my 30’s and that there is no going back to the days of my youth no matter how many cool phrases I can say or how much I shop at torrid….

Well, I am going to party it up yo!

Actually..I am dragging my fat arse to the gym with my husband…it’s his birthday gift to me…a gym membership.

And before you stone him…I asked him for that.

I was jealous that he was going to the gym and getting all skinny-fied.

So we are going to the gym to work out..then to a lunch at sushi.com and then I’m off to work and back to the grind.

What ever happened to parties with balloons and candles and gifts?

Oh right…I stopped celebrating birthdays when I found my first gray hair and wrinkle.

So, in honor of my birthday…the fact that I obviously have no shame about my tremendous girth…and because it sort of ties into the whole elvis thing….here is the photo of the week:

I found my long-lost twin in vegas.

I also found that I am enormous.

Which is why my husband (the best one EVAH) gave me a gym membership for my birthday.

Hope everyone has a great day…I’m going to go pluck grey hairs now….

Photo of the week

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In honor of the new year, I have decided to make a resolution to post at least once a week here on my blog.

I have been horribly neglegent when it comes to blog posting.

It’s that evil facebook.  It sucks the time out of my day.

Well, that and the mountain of laundry I have to do.

But I digress….

I will be posting a photo here at least once a week from here on out.

It may be a snapshot, it may just be something weird that speaks to me, it may be a carefully posed portrait that I love.

And today, it is just a snapshot that I love:

I just love the honest, excited, amazed, enchanted in the magic of Christmas look on his face!  He was so excited when he unwrapped his DS!

So, I hope you will join me every week to share in my boring, colorful life!

Happy new year everyone!

Tis the season!

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Newsflash:  Christmas is coming!

I know right?! It snuck up on me too!

You would think that wouldn’t happen considering Christmas arrives on the same. day. every. year.

But still…Christmas is a sneaky holiday and that will remain my position on this matter.

thankyouverymuch.

But just like every year when I put off my shopping until the last few minutes, I have stumbled upon some super cute things and I wanted to share them all with you incase, like me, you have put off your shopping until the last minute and have run out of ideas when it comes to getting something for that cousin you only speak to once a year….

So, here are some examples of the awesomeness I have stumbled on lately!

It is no secret I like to use aprons.  So what. I know it makes me look like a cross between Roseanne Barr and Donna Reed, but I’m ok with that.  No you may not stare. (though I will tolerate pointing and laughing)

And if you are into aprons like I am..this one from Anthropoligie will likely tickle your fancy so hard it won’t stop laughing for a week:

Isn’t it cuuuuuuute???!!!  I only need to lose a bazillion pounds to make it look cute on me!  Yay!

I’m also loving this hipster bag by Vera Bradley

Only, maybe not in orange….

Now..if you like gadgets, I think this little do-dad is pretty nifty ( do people still say “do-dad” and “nifty” ? )

it’s called the Flip Video:

How cool is that?  A video camera that fits in your pocket and plugs right into your computer!  I want one!

I am also loving this bedding from Pottery Barn

Is that not the most adorable, country bedding you have ever seen?! *SQUEEEEEEEEE!*  too stinkin’ cute if you ask me!  Makes me wanna wear an apron….

I also wanna wear this bracelet:

This bracelet is from an organization called The Starfish Project.  It is an organization that rescues women in Asia who have lived lives of prostitution.  It is an awesome organization, and if you are needing a special gift for a lady in your life…get her one of these, you will be giving a wonderful gift to a lady on the other side of the world.

Now, if you are fat like me, you may be looking for something to spend your money on in yet another failed attempt to wear something in a size that doesn’t require creative folding techniques to get it onto a standard hanger….if that is the case, this is where my hard earned dollars will go this year:

What’s that you say?  I don’t have a wii?  Well, you are correct.  Drat.  And I was so looking forward to Jillian screaming at me telling me that I’m a fat, lazy failure while also counseling me on my daddy issues…..bummer.

If, like me, you are severely behind the times and did not run out and spend a week’s salary on the wii when it first came out so your kids wouldn’t feel left out at school…you may want to check out the fact that the wii has been drastically reduced in price.  Go get one so Jillian can yell at you…I will as soon as…well…I’m saving up for it.

And today I will leave you with these little cuties… I was hanging out over at dooce.com, (who would totally be my bff if I knew her in real life.) And I saw these:

I. NEED. THESE.

Especially that one about being in my personal space…I am so not a space bubble sharing person.  It makes me uncomfortable and I generally can be counted on to have bad breath…so back off mmmmmmkay?  (yes, I brush..but I also like garlic. what of it?)

Anyway, you can find those adorable little cards right here

And I hope I have helped a bit in your last minute gift finding…and I truly hope your once-a-year-spoken-to-cousin enjoys!

Merry Christmas!!!!


My grown up Christmas list.

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Well hello there my friends!

I have once again neglected my blog.  I’m getting pretty good at it. wouldn’t you agree?

The best part about that is that no one will read this post so I can indulge myself with my selfish wants without fear of scolding and scoffing from the general public.

Sweet!

Anyway.

We are all too swiftly approaching the Christmas season.

If you at all doubt me…go to Wal-Mart.

Not only will you be exposed to some veeeery interesting people (they even have their own website…) you will see that it is clearly the Christmas season.

There are a multitude of artificial trees in every color of the rainbow to put up in every room of your home and more wrapping paper than you can shake a stick at…if you are into stick shaking that is.

Yes, it is that jolly season when we all try to out spend the rich relatives and are forced to eat ramen for the next four months just so we can avoid foreclosure and repossession of our automobiles.

Isn’t Chrismas AWESOME???

So, in order to assist everyone in picking the perfect gift for me. (because I just KNOW you are all dying to get me a gift!) I have compiled my yearly list of “Things I would buy for myself if I didn’t have to feed my kids”

Shall we get started?  YES WE SHALL!!!

(please keep in mind that these are in no particular order…I love and want them all equally)

1.  Kelly Clarkson’s new CD

No, you may not comment on my taste in music…thankyouverymuch.

2. Casting Crowns new CD

They just generally kick butt.  I love them.

3. If I were rating in order of importance..this would be my number one..

And yes, I know that there is a CS4 now..and I’m open to that one too.  Honestly..this is almost a need for my business.

4. This camera strap:

Or pretty much any of the ones this seller has in her etsy shop…love them!

5.  This T-shirt from Torrid:

I am such a gleek.  Yep I am!! (If you don’t know what Glee is…go here: Glee

6. Pretty much anything from here:

I just love so many things from Torrid!  Some of it is way too young for me..but a lot of it isn’t!  (That’s where I found the Glee shirt)

7. Pretty much anything from Bath and Body works.  I just love all of it!

8. TWO of these:

Not the dog…the CRATE.  That way I can put sweet wittle junior and smelly wittle charlie in them when I leave and can avoid coming home to a sofa covered in hair and drool. That would be heavenly!!

9. This dining set…or one like it.

10. This lens…drool….

(just for the record…this sucker runs around $800.00-$900.00…ouch.)

So..there is my list to date.  I will be watching for santa to deliver each of these gifts…as soon as he wins the lottery.

But while I wait for Santa to strike it rich, it would be interesting to compare notes…

What are the top 10 on your grown up Christmas list?